Mr Potato Head Boy
by Infragilis Dea
Summary: Oh dear lord...what has the world come to? Someone has made Sirius Black, of all sane people, Head Boy. How will he cope? Better yet, why is there a gay talking mirror on the wall? And how will he win the affection of his female counterpart?


Oh dear lord…what has the world come to? Someone has made Sirius Black HEAD BOY! Not to mention James as a pumpkin, Moony the Man-whore, a gay talking mirror, and a Madonna fudge sundae…and that's just the first chapter! Insanity has taken over!

Disclaimer: I own nothng.

AN: Please review all. I love you to pieces.

Once Upon a Time

Once upon a time there was a girl. And there was also a boy. And they both lived in a castle, well for the better part of a year anyway. Yet they were by no means a prince and a princess, nor a king or a queen, nor even a duke or duchess. However they took delight in feasting in the great dining hall of that great castle and were housed in fine rooms. They were educated by the best scholars that Britain had to offer and were counted by many to be a royalty of sorts.

Cassandra Eleanor Harper was tall and slender with a long mane of dark chocolate hair, and ruby red lips. She was passionate, compulsive at times, and confident to an almost supercilious extent. Her spontaneous and ardent instincts could even be described as a domestically wild. She had never been one to follow the rules or be overridden by dictators and tyrants. And she had never been one who looked before she leaped.

Recklessness was her strong suite, orderliness was monotony. Cassie was always longing, craving even, for something more. She was discontent to sit and live life in comfort and normality. She found routine mundane, consistency tedious. She despised stagnation. Her life would be forfeit, unjustified, if she didn't accomplish something prominent within its confines.

Sirius Pheneas Black was charismatic. Charming and electively arrogant, he was one to rival Cassie's fervent nature. Dark hair framed a flawless face. Gray eyes, full of life and vehemence, shone dominantly from their sockets. He was reckless, passionate…but something completely different as well.

Hybrid confidence and longing for self-acceptance, subjugated his heart. He had always sought reality, friendship, acclaim. He couldn't settle for mediocrity. His life purpose was to find a sort of happiness that could only be derived of admiration. He could not be common, he could not be ordinary.

And so he wasn't. He was mischievous, clever, excessively witty. Marauding was a necessity, carelessness was reasoned, rules were below him. He was flawed, immoral…yet so was she.

And for two so akin in thought and idea, it is indiscernible how hate is sprung. Yet for the girl and boy of this story, it was their defining sediment. Perhaps they just saw so much of themselves in the other they could not understand. And lack of understanding springs despise and empathy at once.

And for Sirius empathy grew into something else…intrigue, and intrigue into obsession, and obsession into passion. And passion is desire.

Cassie yawned as she woke. The sunlight streaming through her window fell across her face making her squint to see the time displayed on her clock.

"Morning already," she sighed as she threw back her blankets, stretched, and walked over to a formally framed mirror on the wall.

She brushed her hands through her hair casually and squinted as she rubbed her eyes. She smiled nonchalantly as she checked the whiteness of her teeth gazed critically down at her backside rubbing her hand over it.

"Morning Love!" came a sudden call and Cassie shrieked, jumped, and found herself staring at the face of a man in her mirror mere inches from where her buttocks had been seconds ago.

"AHHH!" she shrieked and dived back onto her bed.

"Geeze!" the mirror man called. "You'd think I looked like Michael Jackson or something they way they always react. Don't people hug anymore?"

Cassie lowered the blanket covering her head. "What?" she said stupidly.

"I said good morning," the mirror replied rolling his crystal blue eyes.

"Um…morning," Cassie replied unsure about what to say to a mirror. "Um…what…er…who are you?"

"Me?" he smiled widely, putting forth his pearly white teeth. "Why I'm Will, of course, Will the mirror."

"Um…" Cassie just stared somewhat open-mouthed, utterly perplexed at the reflection she was chatting with. Highlighted hair, vivid blue eyes, high profound cheekbones, an inexplicable rouge tone to elegantly fair skin, perfectly manicured eye bows, thick full lashes…if Will wasn't gay, she would marry Sirius Black, and that was saying something.

"Well aren't you quiet," Will said nonchalantly. "Most head girls never shut up. Mind, they're all boring as can be. It's all, exams this, and homework that, and what they want to do with their future, and study study study. It's revolting." He shuddered. "Makes being a mirror about as dull as that Professor Binns." He sighed deeply. "I wish that once, just once, I could get one who knew a thing or two about shoes…or Mardi Gras." He sighed loudly and placed his chin in his hands looking as if all his dreams seemed so far away.

"I've been to Mardi Gras," Cassie put out.

"Oh-my-god! You have not!" Will suddenly snapped up with rapt attention. "I haven't been for years."

Cassie nodded wondering how a mirror could visit Mardi Gras. "Last year, with my friends."

"Oh, Bourbon Street, the parades, the parties…it's marvelous," Will sighed, his cheeks becoming rosy with delight.

"And the masquerades!" Cassie smiled remembering how she had enjoyed street celebrations, her introversion leaving her as she found a sudden common ground with Will.

"Of course," Will agreed. "I went dressed as a butterfly and met a fabulous man, named Gabriel, but, well, that's something else."

Cassie smiled widely. "No," she said. "You can't just stop there. Come on tell."

"Oh, alright," he gave in and clapped his hands. "Well back at the house, I found him waiting under my window. Oh it was just so so perfect. He serenaded me and then climbed up on to my balcony…like Romeo…and, well a good boy doesn't kiss and tell."

Cassie laughed. "Of course not. It sounds so romantic."

"It was," Will sighed. "It really was."

Will seemed to go into a sort of reminisce, and Cassie, unsure of what to say to a gay mirror fantasizing about a boy named Gabriel, coughed slightly, breaking the somewhat awkward silence.

At the sound Will snapped out of his trance, and with a quirky smile laughed and said, "Oh sorry, love. I indulge in the memories. So tell me, how did a girl like you end up in a place like this?"

Cassie shrugged. "No idea."

Will grinned pryingly, "Come on now. Don't be so modest."

"No really," Cassie replied trying to discern what she might have done to nominate herself for Head Girlship, but nothing struck her. "I've spend half my time at Hogwarts in detention, I honestly don't know how I got here."

Will smiled warmly. "Well that Dumbledore is a great judge of character you know. If he put you here I'm sure you're simply fantastic."

"Either that, or he lost his mind," Cassie grimaced. "Haven't looked in on the new Head Boy yet, have you?"

"Just quickly," Will answered nonplussed.

"So you see what I mean then?" she continued.

"Well if you mean that there is a fine caboose on that train…" Will smirked sheepishly.

"Will!" Cassie exclaimed. "Ewww!"

"I'm kidding, hon," he chuckled, "don't worry. He's too young for me anyway. Now Brad Pitt…mmm he's fine."

Cassie laughed. "Sure is, and you know what? I heard he was gay."

"Have I told you that you're fabulous," Will grinned.

"No but I got the impression that you liked me," she replied.

"Well I'll say that Dumbledore hasn't picked better yet."

"Aww, Will…"

He chuckled slightly. "But now, that Head Boy, he may be too young for me, but doll, he's perfect for you. Those eyes…make me melt like a chocolate chip cookie."

"Yeah and that massive ego to go along with them…he's a complete idiot, thicker than a brick wall. He makes me sick," Cassie put out.

"No!" Will exclaimed.

"Yes," Cassie objected. "You don't know Black like I do. He's absolutely disgusting. He's has no morals, he's completely arrogant. He struts around like he's God's gift to the human race. He could get ran over a thousand times over by a herd of rampaging hyenas and his stupid pride wouldn't be hurt one bit."

Will tisked. "He can't be _that _terrible. You sound so pessimistic. Remember doll, the glass is always a half full martini! But anyway, we'll have to chat later. It's getting late, and you, gorgeous, have places to go and _people to awe_."

"Oh right, classes," Cassie groaned. Her conversation with the Will having totally blown the mundane routine out of her mind.

"Now, don't look at it that way," Will advised with empathy. "Just think of it as an occasion to show off that stunning face of yours.

"Aww, Will…"

"It's true, you're hotter than a Madonna fudge sundae…no, don't you say a word. Just go have a shower, before that stunning boy gets up." He winked playfully as she frowned. "I'll be here when you get back tonight. You'll tell me everything that happened…including all of that juicy gossip I miss so much…being a mirror does have its down side you know."

Cassie smiled again. "See you Will."

"Later babe. Remember loud and proud, drives the boys wild."

"I'll keep that in mind."

And with a wink from a new friend, a rather peculiar new friend, Cassie embarked on her first day as Head Girl, feeling as if almost nothing could spoil her day.

How very wrong she was.

In the next room over Sirius yawned loudly as he felt the warm fall sunlight pressing against his lids. "Uhhmmg," he moaned and scratched his head rather apishly. "Someone shut that light."

He rolled over and sunk back into his pillow pulling his blankets up over his head. He hated mornings with an understandable passion.

Birds twittered merrily on the window sill, taking in the early fall morning, as the hands of the clock on the wall quickly approached 7 o'clock.

"Mhumm, Cassie, you really want to go to the ball with me…" he mumbled obliviously. His dreams had once again strayed to his favorite place. "Sure we'll dance, I'll even sing if you want…of course I can…what song is your favorite…"

One bird watched interestedly as the newly appointed Head Boy talked unconsciously in his sleep. It chirped once, it's head tilted serenely to the side as if wondering vaguely if the boy was talking to it.

"_I'm a little tea pot, short and stout, here is my handle, here is my spout. When I get all steamed up, hear me shout, tip me over and pour me_ AHHHHH!"

The bird took flight as the combined noise of Sirius and his alarm clock quenched the quiet of the room.

"Dammit!" he shouted, ignorant to the fact that he had just been singing the tea pot song. "Damn clock! Shut up." He brought his fist down violently on the clock and silence sounded, hindered only by the feeble ticking of the now defeated clock, which weakened and died as Sirius sat up and rubbed his sluggish eyes.

It took him a few minute of dim staring around the room for him to fully realize that it was seven o'clock in the morning on the first day of term, and in turn his first day as Hogwarts Head Boy. He groaned, remembering the taunting from James and Peter the night before and slowly climbed from the comfort of his bed.

He walked over to an antique looking mirror and checked his reflection. Deep gray eyes, long dark hair, perfect bone structure...he smiled at himself and said aloud, "She's crazy."

He turned away and walked back toward his trunk at the end of his bed. But he stopped in mid step as he heard, "Jerk."

"Huh?" he uttered as he turned expecting to see Cassie or even James standing in the door way messing with him. But no, nothing. No one was there.

He scanned the large room, his eyes glimpsing nothing but the stupid little bird outside his window. He shrugged, made to turn back to his trunk, but stopped as his gaze fell once again on the old mirror. He stared at it objectively for a few moments and then finally realizing he was being stupid muttered, "Ugly thing," and walked the rest of the way to his truck.

Little did he know that Will was sticking his tongue behind his back. He was beginning to see just why Cassie disliked this boy so much. But with the blink of an eye he was gone. He had more interesting people to spy on.

The latch clicked as the trunk swung open. Sirius dug into its depths and emerged with a plain white t-shirt, which he pulled over his head to cover his bare chest. He hadn't forgotten the night before when Cassie had threatened very sincerely that if she had to see any of his exposed body parts, she would curse him so bad he wouldn't be able to scratch his backside for a week. And as he knew she was exceptionally adept at transfiguration, there was good reason to heed her words.

So scratching his backside nonchalantly, he yawned one final time and exited his room en route to the bathroom.

The head boy and girl were given special living quarters within Hogwarts. They shared a suite on the seventh floor close to the Gryffindor tower. Concealed behind a portrait of Merlin himself, was a door which lead into a large, elegant circular room. Within the room was a great carven fireplace on either side of which were bookshelves, lined with every book a student could possibly want, two fine desks facing each other from opposite sides of the room, as well as plenty of the squishy armchairs that the heads had become quite accustomed to by the Gryffindor fire. Three doors lined the far wall. Two lead into both the Head Boy's and Girl's personal bedrooms, and a third to a bathroom they shared. And as Sirius reached for the handle of that final door, he wondered vaguely how the Marauders had never discovered this place before.

A blast of warm steam tickled his face as he opened the door. He glimpsed a foggy mirror and in the shower opposite the door, there stood Cassie herself, her slim figure clearly visible through the translucent shower curtain. She hummed quietly to herself as she rinsed her hair under the misty stream of water, completely oblivious to the presence of another in the room.

All the while, Sirius, still standing in the door way, was having a tough time piecing together the scene in front of him. _Shower+Cassie+naked…trouble!_

And as that though occurred to him, he shut the door as quick as he could, and fell against it, relief seeping through him.

Yet as he sat breathing as though he had just run a marathon, contemplating what he had just witnessed, a new, utterly thrilling, thought occurred to him _Shower+Cassie+naked….good!_

And with a grin on his lips, thoughts, which shouldn't be discussed, running through his head, he jumped to his feet and ever so carefully turned the knob a second time.

This time he took a step into the bathroom. The room smelled strongly of something he suspected was lavender. He liked it. He took a few steps farther. The fog was thinker than it had been near the door. He has to squint to make out Cassie. He took another couple of steps. He could see her plainly now.

Fantasies began to dance through his mind, mocking him almost. It was like Christmas, and holding a big present, craving to open it, but having to sit and wait for your brother to open his with the slow precision of an architect. His heart began to beat, pound, throb in his chest. He held his breath. He was only a few feet away….

And then the water stopped, and with it Sirius' heart. And in the next instant a deafening scream had pierce the uninterruptible silence.

"Sirius!" Cassie screeched, hurrying to wrap herself in the useless hangings. "What the _hell _are you doing!"

"Um…" he managed. "Um…." Yet as the hilarity of the situation suddenly hit him, his unwavering and perverted confidence returned. "I'm enjoying the show, Cass…and if I may say so, it is magnificent."

"Y-you-you pig!" she screamed, seeming to choke on her words. "Get me a towel right now, or I-I'll strangle you with my bare hands!"

"Calm down, Cass," he smirked snatching her towel from where it hung on the wall. "No need to get angry."

"No need to get angry? No need! I'll make sure Dumbledore has your badge for this," she threatened frantically. "He must have lost his mind anyway to have made you head boy!" She was flailing one arm wildly in attempt to reach her clothes; the other was firmly glued to her chest.

"The same could be said for you," he grinned casually and finally taking pity on her pathetic attempt, he threw her the towel he held.

She hastily wrapped herself in it and rushed toward him with a hatred that words can't describe.

"You disgusting," she punched him, "filthy," she kicked him, "jerk!" she slapped him leaving the faint imprint of her hand on his cheek.

"Cassie," he interrupted.

She glared at him.

"Your towel is falling down."

"Ahhh!" she cried and threw everything she could get her hands on at him as he retreated to the door.

"Just so you know," he smiled using the door as a shield against a hairbrush, "it was well worth the wait."

She slammed the door behind him.

"Ah…what a _great_ morning! I think I'm going to like being head boy!" He proclaimed merrily before returning to his private dorm.

"He-saw-me-naked!" Cassie shook with utter disgust. "That pervert _saw me naked_!"

Breanne fake retched as Lily shook her head, the trace of a smile lingering on both of their lips.

"What are you smiling at?" Cassie demanded of her best friends. "I'm about to be sick here. How am I going to stay sane living with that dung beetle for the rest of the year?"

Breanne suppressed a mirthful snort. Cassie shot her a threatening look and both she and Lily burst out laughing.

"Thanks for the support guys," Cassie scowled.

"No problem Cass," Lily smiled. "Why don't you just go to Dumbledore and ask if he can make other arrangements for you guys. I'm sure you could come back to our dorm in the Gryffindor tower."

"Right and be the first head girl ever to turn down the best housing in the school," Cassie replied sarcastically. "The Head Boy and Girl's dorm is even nicer than where Dumbledore hangs out. I'd die before I turn it over to Black and his lunatic friends."

"You could always tell him the truth," Bree suggested with a shrug.

Cassie's mouth fell open. "Yes…that would be a wonderful conversation to have with the Headmaster, wouldn't it," she spat with sarcasm. "'Yes Professor, Black, your new Head Boy, just saw me naked in the showers. Could you work something out...thanks doll.' I think I ought to just push Black out of the North Tower window and be done with it."

"Now there's an idea," Breanne nodded approvingly.

"That man must have gone crazy over holidays!" Cassie exclaimed of Dumbledore before burying her face in a pillow and screaming. "I mean, who in their right mind, in the holy name of St. Valentine the 24th, would make Black head boy? That's almost as bad as giving Potter the Humanitarian of the Year award."

At the mention of James Potter, Lily gave an involuntary shutter and she muttered something that sounded like, "Filthy jerk," under her breath.

"What was that Lils?" Breanne questioned with a smirk.

"Noth-nothing," Lily replied. "I said…um…Billy Perk, short Hufflepuff boy, that's who should win a Humanitarian award."

"Right…" Bree grinned.

"Never mind that," Cassie cried. "What do I do? It's only the first day of term."

"I suppose you can just avoid him," Lily advised thoughtfully. "Stay away from the head's dorm, only go in there at night to sleep. You can still use the prefects' bathroom you know."

"Ew ew ew ew ew!" shrieked her disheveled friend, not heeding the words of advice. "When I see that jerk…I'm going to castrate him with my bare hands!"

"There's another good idea," smirked Bree. "_But_ that would be rather hard to explain to Dumbledore too."

"I hate you," moaned Cassie.

"Well now, that's not very nice," Bree fake sulked. "And here I am trying to help."

Cassie shot her a look that did nothing more then send Bree into another fit of laughter.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," she panted wiping her eyes. "It's just, well, it's hilarious. What a way to start the year off with a bang. Do you know how many girls would give an arm to be telling their friends that they had a naked rendezvous with Sirius Black?"

"Tell me about it," muttered Cassie. "They're delusional, the whole bunch of them. What could anyone honestly see in that useless waste of chromosomes?"

"Gorgeous eyes, dark hair, and a really really fabulous-" Bree began.

"If you finish that sentence I will strangle you," Cassie looked menacing.

"Come on now Cass," Lily said. "You're just angry about this morning, but honestly Sirius isn't _all _bad. I don't understand why you guys carry on like you do. Do you know how many times you have sent each other to the hospital wing in the last six years?"

"Not nearly enough," Cassie replied.

"Come on now, Cass. Can't you just go talk to him? I'm sure it was a mistake. He's probably just as embarrassed as you," Lily reasoned, but she diminished under the look she received in return.

"Sure, I'll just go and have a right nice little comverstaion with him over tea. The filthy little prick is probably off gloating to those maniacs of his."

"Remus Lupin isn't so bad," defended Lily.

"No?" Cassie shot. "He just goes along with Potter and Black on their mad spree, thinking nothing of it. The idiot. And then that prat Pettigrew, their stupid mascot. Follows them around like a dog, he does…and all that crap about pranking and mischief making…Marauders my ass, the gits."

She fell silent, an utterly sickened look on her face that clearly spelt her disgust with the four boys.

Bree looked at her. "What happened?" she asked. "What happened to make you hate him so much? I mean we're not exactly friendly with them but…"

"I don't know," shrugged Cassie. "Just one thing led to another, it started back in first year. We've always kind of been at each other."

"It's because you're both as stubborn as dragons…and you have a temper like one too," Lily smirked. "And you both have gigantic rhinoceros heads. Arrogant little jerks you are."

Cassie cracked a smile at the remark. "Gigantic rhinoceros head?" she retorted, "Thanks a bunch Lils. At least I don't have feet like yours. Where on earth do you buy shoes to fit on those elephants? Clowns r' Us?"

"See," Lily smirked, "you conceited ass."

"Right girls, break it up. No more insults, though I have to agree Lily's feet are huge," Bree said smiling extremely vividly.

"Hey!" Lily exclaimed whacking her with a pillow.

"Besides, all of this Marauder talk has given me and idea," she finished.

"And what's that?" Cassie questioned.

"Pranking," she said simply and Lily and Cassie exchanged bemused looks.

"What?" Lily asked.

"I think it's time we got ourselves a little revenge girls," she explained a sly sly grin etched on her face.

"Ooooh," Cassie smirked. "I like it so far. Continue."

"It's war guys. Sirius declared it this morning. And I think it's high time we take a leaf out of the Marauders book and use a few of their own tricks against them."

"A pranking war?" Lily didn't sound thoroughly convinced.

"Exactly!" proclaimed Cassie. "They won't even know it's coming."

"Okay, slow down guys," Lily warned. She had fixed her wholly Prefect look upon her face. "You, my malevolent friend Cassie, are Head Girl. You would be risking a lot more than detention for this. And we're starting NEWTs this year. It's going to be crazy enough as it is. We don't have time to wage a full on war against the Marauders."

"Lily Lily," Cassie exclaimed. "Don't you see? This is it, our chance to get our long desired retribution. And I know you Lils. I know how much you would love to get Potter? You could do it too. Give his pride a good hard kick in the ding dong…it's worth a bit of a risk, isn't it?"

Bree and Cassie could see the thoughts clicking away in Lily's mind. The memories of James Potter through the years, haunting her. It was manipulation at its finest. They knew they had won her over as soon as they had mentioned the idiot boy who had disgusted her since first year.

"We'll do it," Lily replied the beginnings of a wicked grin on her face. "We'll just be careful. No one will ever know it's us."

"Exactly my thoughts," grinned Bree.

"I saw her naked!" Sirius whooped to his fellow Marauders doing a sort of victory dance around the dorm. "And man it was worth the wait. She has flourished beautifully."

"You're disgusting, you know that right?" Remus rolled his eyes at his friend. "I'm not sure how any girl can even stand to look at you."

James on the other hand patted Sirius on the back. "Good job mate. I'd give about a thousand galleons to see that, and Moony knows he would too. That girl is gorgeous."

Remus scanned his two best friends cynically. "Forgetting about Lily Evans, Prongs?"

"No," James replied simply. "I'd pay two thousand to see her shower."

"No way, Prongs, Harper, is hotter and you know it," Sirius objected.

"Whatever you say, Padfoot," James grinned.

Sirius threw himself down on James' bed. "So do you think I have a chance with her now?" he questioned seriously as he stared up at the ceiling. "I mean since we're both heads and everything. She can't hate me forever, right?"

"I don't know mate," James replied cautiously. "She's done a good job of it up to now."

"Not to mention that the little charade you pulled this morning probably hasn't helped your cause a lot," Remus said sensibly.

"Thanks for the support guys," he sighed and rolled over so he didn't have to face them or the truth.

"No problem," James smiled. "That's what we're here for."

"Look," said Remus empathetically, "you need to stop being such a jerk around her. Don't ask her out every chance you get and don't try to curse her eye brows off. Be _polite. _Would you like to know the definition of that word?"

"Haha," Sirius replied sarcastically. He turned back to face them. "But it's not like I try to be a prat in front of her, I just, can't help it. We've been idiots since we we're kids. On the first ever train ride she stuck frog spawn down my boxers, not the most pleasant feeling in the world I might add."

"That was in first year," James put in. "You mean to say you haven't matured a bit since then?"

"No more than you have Prongs," he replied.

"So not at all then," Remus smirked.

Oh, and you're Mr. Maturity then Moony," James snorted narrowing his eyes. "I seem to remember you licking each of the last seventeen sausages this morning just as I was reaching for one."

"No that was Sirius," Remus corrected.

"Oh yeah." James turned on his best friend. "You bloody idiot. I wanted one of those."

"Sorry mate," Sirius apologized unsympathetically. "I was hungry, and you didn't need them anyway. You already eat like a horse."

"I take offense to that," James grinned. "I eat like nothing more or less than the stag that I am."

Remus rolled his eyes. "You two are pathetic. I thought the issue here was Cassie Harper."

"It is," said Sirius. "I need help."

"Bad idea," James put in. "You guys have been helping me for years and Lily still wouldn't say no to seeing me turned into a pumpkin and baked into a pie."

"That's because you've been getting your advice from Sirius," Remus pointed out, "and Merlin knows how charming he is."

"I happen to be very charming," Sirius retorted. "Extremely charming! How else do you think I got to be Head Boy?"

Remus shrugged. "Rita Skeeter kidnapped Dumbledore over the summer and is now impersonating him via polyjuice potion."

"Can be," said James. "Saw Rita last night, warming up to your dear little brother, Sirius."

"They deserve each other," Sirius replied bitterly.

"Really? Someone could possibly deserve that twit Rita?" James said. "He must be a real rat then."

"Believe me," Sirius responded, "he really is my parents' son."

"I have no trouble believing that," James said. "He nearly bit off my finger during a Quidditch match once. That's savage, that is."

Remus rolled his eyes. "That was Sirius too."

"Oh," James replied. "You idiot, what'd you try to bite me for?" he rounded on his dark haired friend.

"I can't remember," Sirius retorted. "But with your fat fingers, I probably thought it was a Twinkie or something."

"Fat fingers, I take offense to that," James huffed mockingly.

"You take offense to everything," Sirius replied.

"What can I say," James shrugged. "I think highly of myself."

"That's apparent," Remus muttered.

"I heard that Moony, you prat," James retorted throwing a pillow at his more sensible friend.

"Heard what?" Remus asked innocently. "Whatever it was, it was Sirius."

"You guys aren't helping," Sirius moaned, clearly lovesick.

"I charge 20 galleons and hour for my services," James announced.

"What? So low?" Sirius replied. "What is the going rate for man-whores these days anyway?"

"Hey!" retorted James but Remus intervened.

"I'll offer you my services for free if you both act your age for a minute," he said.

"Moony, I never expected this from you!" James gasped.

"Yeah." agreed Sirius mockingly. "We always knew James would end up on the corner, but you…" he faked a tear, "you could have made something of yourself."

"Right…" Remus said. "I'll make something of you if you don't shut up. What would you prefer: a peanut or a toilet seat?"

"Peanut!" James exclaimed. "That way I could eat myself."

"A toilet seat might not be so bad either," Sirius added. "A girl's toilet seat preferably."

James nodded his agreement.

"You are two very disturbing creatures," Remus replied.

"And yet you're the werewolf," James smirked.

"Point taken," Remus nodded. "But Sirius?"

His eloquently depressed looking friend looked up.

"Do you honestly like her?"

Sirius nodded.

"Genuinely?" he prodded. "You don't just want her like other girls, just to dump after a week of shallow…gratification?"

"Yes, damn it!" Sirius snapped. "What's your point?"

"My point is I don't want to see either of you get hurt," he replied calmly.

"Me?" Sirius sneered. "Why would I get hurt?"

"A broken heart is painful Sirius."

Sirius laughed suddenly. "A broken heart? I don't see how it can get broken. She won't even take it."

"Don't be such an egotistical ass," Moony replied.

"What?"

"You're not innocent. She has every right to hate you."

"Why?" Sirius was beginning to feel anger throb at his temples.

"Because you've been a jerk to her," Remus retorted. "You don't know the first thing about love.'

"Love? Who said I loved her?"

"You didn't have to say it," Remus replied. "It was implied when you started sitting around moping about her all day."

"Look guys," said James uncomfortably breaking in, "I'm starting to feel the heat over here. Now I don't know about you guys, but I think it's a bit stupid to fight over a girl."

Remus sighed. "Yeah, yeah, you're right.'

Sirius nodded in agreement, though his gaze was firmly fixed on the ground.

"Good, because we're better than that you know," he continued with growing confidence. "We've been friends too long."

"Right," Sirius said, finally looking up, taking in both James and Remus. "Right….I have to go for a walk. I'll see you guys later." And without a second look he walked from the room.


End file.
